


Les Messages

by anna_chronistic



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Schönberg/Boublil, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Barius, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Comedy, Cosette is logical, Crack, F/M, Gen, Group chat, Jehan hates swearing, M/M, Marius complains a lot, Memes, Meta, Profanity, Star Wars References, This Is STUPID, WHOMST, and Jolls, everyone roasts Marius, facebook messenger, hey Beter, obscure references, stupid nicknames, theoretical depictions of violence, unnecessary censorship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-11-30 18:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11469198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anna_chronistic/pseuds/anna_chronistic
Summary: A bunch of fuckery in the Les Amis group chat.





	1. Les Mis fight club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marius vs Ronald McDonald  
> Joly vs Carl from _Jimmy Neutron_  
>  Jehan vs 9 penguins  
> Combeferre vs a 6-year-old soccer team  
> Grantaire vs Peter Griffin from _Family Guy_  
>  Enjolras vs drunk Papa John
> 
> WHO WILL WIN?
> 
> ____________________________________________________________________  
> Gavroche organizes a theoretical fighting bracket amongst the Amis via facebook messenger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gavroche = gavroach  
> Feuilly = family feud  
> Marius Pontmercy = mario pothead  
> Joly = july  
> Cosette = cosine  
> Éponine = epilogue  
> Jehan = jehaunted house  
> Courfeyrac = coury in the house  
> Combeferre = comb a ferret  
> Bahorel = barrel roll  
> Grantaire = grand theft auto  
> Enjolras = entourage  
> Bossuet = legless

**Group chat: the barricade barracudas**

gavroach: hey guys

gavroach: you know what we should do?

comb a ferret: what?

gavroach: we should use facebook messenger to create a fantasy fighting bracket!

coury in the house: that sounds awesome!

family feud: But I don't even know any famous boxers or MMA fighters.

jehaunted house: Yeah, what the h*ck. I don't even watch UFC.

epilogue: my brother got into fantasy football recently, so I guess that he's now entered his fantasy MMA phase.

gavroach: Well you don't have to worry about UFC knowledge, because the members of the fighting bracket are us!

july: you mean we're fighting against each other? but i love you guys :(

comb a ferret: So basically we're creating polls and voting to see who would win a theoretical fight to the death?

gavroah: exactly.

entourage: you've got to be kidding me.

coury in the house: Hell yeah, this is even cooler. Let's fucking do this!

cosine: I'm all for it. It would be interesting to see how this turns out.

**gavroach changed the group chat name to Les Mis Fight Club**

gavroach: alright, i'm gonna create the brackets, and you guys vote. here's round 1.  
Feuilly vs Marius  
Joly vs Cosette  
Jehan vs Éponine  
Combeferre vs Courfeyrac  
Bahorel vs Grantaire  
Bossuet vs Enjolras

**gavroach created a poll: Feuilly vs Marius**

gavroach: alright, everyone cast your votes.

grand theft auto: wow, this is all too easy.

mario pothead: what do you mean "too easy"?

legless: yup, i already know who i'm voting for.

coury in the house: Is this serious? Why is this even on a poll?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Feuilly vs Marius**

Feuilly: 12 votes  
Marius: 0 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

mario pothead: Wait, you didn't vote for me, Cosette?

cosine: Nope. I'm completing these polls without being biased. Feuilly just seems stronger and more coordinated. Heck, you didn't even vote for yourself.

grand theft auto: you just got your ass served.

**gavroach created a poll: Joly vs Cosette**

legless: omg

barrel roll: This is hard to choose. I've never seen Cosette get mad before.

jehaunted house: Yeah, but Joly s*cks at fighting. He doesn't put people in the hospital, he takes care of them there.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Joly vs Cosette**

Joly: 4 votes  
Cosette: 8 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

july: I'm so glad that I'm out of this fighting bracket.

**gavroach created a poll: Jehan vs Éponine**

entourage: who tf comes up with these?

comb a ferret: Apparently Gavroche does.

family feud: Jehan is slightly bigger, but Éponine is way more agressive.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Jehan vs Éponine**

Jehan: 5 votes  
Éponine: 7 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

epilogue: ooh, that was close.

**gavroach created a poll: Combeferre vs Courfeyrac**

mario pothead: savage

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Combeferre vs Courfeyrac**

Combeferre: 3 votes  
Courfeyrac: 9 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

comb a ferret: Damn, I lost badly.

family feud: Well not as badly as Marius.

**gavroach created a poll: Bahorel vs Grantaire**

cosine: This is a difficult choice. Bahorel is strong as fuck and Grantaire's an amateur boxer

entourage: Yeah, but we have to take into account the fact that Grantaire may or may not be sober.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Bahorel vs Grantaire**

Bahorel: 8 votes  
Grantaire: 4 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

grand theft auto: I guess if any of us gets into UFC, we'll know who to bet on.

**gavroach created a poll: Bossuet vs Enjolras**

coury in the house: bossuet would probably kill enjolras on accident.

grand theft auto: enjolras is pretty fucking scary tho

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Bossuet vs Enjolras**

Bossuet: 7 votes  
Enjolras: 5 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

entourage: Good riddance to this stupid fighting bracket.

gavroach: Alright, round 1 is done. The winners who will be moving onto the next round are Feuilly, Cosette, Éponine, Bahorel, and Bossuet. The dearly departed are Marius, Joly, Jehan, Combeferre, Grantaire, and Enjolras. RIP.

mario pothead: That isn't fair. We barely got a chance to show our skills.

jehaunted house: this is bullcr@p.

gavroach: Fine. Out of popular request, there will be a redemption bracket.

entourage: damnit.

jehaunted house: Stop being a b*tthead, Enjolras.

gavroach: This is a second chance for the fallen to prove that they can survive. The lineup is  
Marius vs Ronald McDonald  
Joly with a cane vs [Carl](http://jimmyneutron.wikia.com/wiki/Carl_Wheezer) from _Jimmy Neutron_  
Jehan with super breath vs like 9 penguins  
Combeferre vs a 6-year-old soccer team  
Grantaire vs Peter Griffin from _Family Guy_  
Enjolras vs drunk [Papa John](http://www.papajohns.com/appletv/img/logo-big.png)

jehaunted house: what the h*ll is "super breath" supposed to mean? Is it ice breath? fire breath? That superpower is very ambiguous.

july: What if it's halitosis?

gavroach: it's however you want to interpret it, bud.

**gavroach created a poll: Ronald McDonald vs Marius Pontmercy**

coury in the house: I'm lovin' it.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Ronald McDonald vs Marius Pontmercy**

Ronald McDonald: 11 votes  
Marius: 1 vote  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

mario pothead: Thanks for voting for me, Cosette.

cosine: I didn't vote for you.

mario pothead: Wait, what? I feel betrayed. Then who voted for me?

epilogue: I did because I felt bad that you weren't winning anything.

mario pothead: Hello darkness, my old friend.

family feud: RIP Marius Pontmercy 1995-2017

**gavroach created a poll: Joly with a cane vs Carl Wheezer**

comb a ferret: I think I know where this is gonna go if Joly has a weapon.

jehaunted house: Carl is an even bigger dw**b than Joly. He can kick his CGI b*tt!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Joly with a cane vs Carl Wheezer**

Joly: 9 votes  
Carl: 3 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

july: Oh no, I killed him. I'm a murderer.

jehaunted house: D*mn, Joly. Why are you so upset about winning, ya tw*rp? And while you're at it, stop being d*mb. Carl Wheezer is just a cr@ppy CGI cartoon from 2002, you @$$hat.

barrel roll: Dude, why do you censor the fuck out of everything you write in this chat?

jehaunted house: Because swearing is for dw**bs and it stifles creativity by oversaturating language with meaningless expletives.

jehaunted house: <https://www.reddit.com/r/me_irl/comments/6117ub/me_irl/>

grand theft auto: why is winnie the pooh super muscular and why doesn't he have any genitals? that's hella creepy.

epilogue: That's what Bahorel would look like if he was a cartoon character.

**gavroach created a poll: Jehan with super breath vs 9 penguins**

cosine: Now's the time to use fire breath, Jehan.

jehaunted house: Wow, super breath makes things a lot easier.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Jehan with super breath vs 9 penguins**

Jehan: 11 votes  
penguins: 1 vote  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

**gavroach created a poll: Combeferre vs 6-year-old soccer team**

grand theft auto: I know for a fact that Combeferre is strong enough to take on one 6-year-old, but this depends on how many people a soccer team consists of.

comb a ferret: Even though this is a fantasy fighting bracket, this feels very wrong.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Combeferre vs 6-year-old soccer team**

Combeferre: 7 votes  
6-year-old soccer team: 5 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

**gavroach created a poll: Peter Grantaire vs Peter Griffin**

mario pothead: Battle of the Peters!

grand theft auto: more like battle of the fat ugly alcoholics.

entourage: R, you're not fat, per se. A more accurate term would be "hard to kidnap".

coury in the house: And Grantaire is way smarter than Peter Griffin.

july: But remember [that episode when Peter Griffin fought the giant chicken](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMu27qhsl5g)? They pretty much destroyed a whole city.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Peter Grantaire vs Peter Griffin**

Grantaire: 8 votes  
Griffin: 4 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

grand theft auto: roadhouse.

**gavroach created a poll: Enjolras vs drunk Papa John**

coury in the house: I don't know about you, but Enjolras seems like someone that would lose a fight to a drunk person. *cough* Grantaire *cough*

entourage: What do you mean? Me and R never fought. We just get into a bunch of petty arguments and then make out after them.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Enjolras vs drunk Papa John**

Enjolras: 3 votes  
drunk Papa John: 9 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

family feud: RIP Maurice Enjolras 1991-2017

gavroach: The redemption round is over. Now we must say goodbye to our twice-dead fallen comrades, Marius and Enjolras.

entourage: This whole thing is rigged.

gavroach: Here is the lineup for round 2  
Joly with damaged cane vs Jehan with slightly diminished super breath  
Bossuet vs Cosette  
Grantaire vs drunk Papa John  
Ronald McDonald vs Éponine  
Courfeyrac vs Feuilly  
Bahorel with an eye patch vs Combeferre

**gavroach created a poll: Joly with damaged cane vs Jehan with slightly diminished super breath**

epilogue: This is hard to decide. Jehan and Joly are like fraternal twins.

jehaunted house: me vs Joly? I could punch him and he would apologize.

comb a ferret: For those of you that haven't voted yet, the other day Joly got sun burnt and thought he got skin cancer but it was just a scab. The man can't tell a scab from melanoma. You decide.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Joly with damaged cane vs Jehan with slightly diminished super breath**

Joly: 2 votes  
Jehan: 10 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

family feud: It looks like Joly has officially joined the 27 club. RIP Matthieu Joly 1990-2017

**gavroach created a poll: Bossuet vs Cosette**

barrel roll: Idk, B. Cosette seems agile enough to trick you into getting yourself killed.

comb a ferret: It's a proven fact that Bossuet is either accidentally suicidal or accidentally homicidal.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Bossuet vs Cosette**

Bossuet: 4 votes  
Cosette: 8 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

family feud: RIP André Bossuet 1988-2017

**gavroach created a poll: Grantaire vs drunk Papa John**

grand theft auto: Don't worry, dear Enjolras. I shall protect thine honor by defeating the inebriated pizza man.

entourage: You can do whatever you want. I really don't give a shit.

coury in the house: I would sell my left kidney to see a fight between R and a drunk Papa John.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Grantaire vs drunk Papa John**

Grantaire: 12 votes  
drunk Papa John: 0 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

july: Better ingredients. Better ass whoopings. Papa John's.

**gavroach created a poll: Ronald McDonald vs Éponine**

cosine: What's with the chain restaurant mascots?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Ronald McDonald vs Éponine**

Ronald McDonald: 2 votes  
Éponine: 10 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

epilogue: Ronald McDonald just got French fried.

**gavroach created a poll: Courfeyrac vs Feuilly**

grand theft auto: whhyyyy?

jehaunted house: You motherfuppers did not just do this.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Courfeyrac vs Feuilly**

Courfeyrac: 7 votes  
Feuilly: 5 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

family feud: RIP Evan Feuilly 1992-2017

**gavroach created a poll: Bahorel with an eye patch vs Combeferre**

gavroach: Bahorel has an unfair advantage, so he needs something to inhibit his strength.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Bahorel with an eye patch vs Combeferre**

Bahorel: 10 votes  
Combeferre: 2 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

comb a ferret: Clearly, the eyepatch didn't affect the outcome of the match at all.

family feud: RIP Antione Combeferre 1989-2017

gavroach: That's the end of round 2. Buckle your seatbelts, because here is the lineup for round 3, the second to last round.  
Éponine vs Cosette  
Courfeyrac vs Jehan without super breath  
Bahorel with a tattered eye patch vs Grantaire

**gavroach created a poll: Éponine vs Cosette**

barrel roll: Cosette, is it true that your dad is like a pro powerlifter or something?

cosine: No, but to give you some perspective, I am strong enough to do pushups without having my knees touch the floor.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Éponine vs Cosette**

Éponine: 8 votes  
Cosette: 4 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

mario pothead: I agree with Enjolras. This is rigged. #stoprigging2k17

family feud: RIP Cosette Valjean 2000-2017

**gavroach created a poll: Courfeyrac vs Jehan without super breath**

jehaunted house: Well, it's been nice knowing you guys.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Courfeyrac vs Jehan without super breath**

Courfeyrac: 8 votes  
Jehan: 4 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

family feud: RIP Jean "Jehan" Prouvaire 1994-2017

**gavroach created a poll: Bahorel with a tattered eye patch vs Grantaire**

grand theft auto: Come on, eye patch. Do your magic.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Bahorel with a tattered eye patch vs Grantaire**

Bahorel: 7 votes  
Grantaire: 5 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

grand theft auto: I lost to Bahorel twice. I'm with Enjolras: this is rigged.

entourage: I done told you.

jehaunted house: Who battles the same person twice in a bracket? No thought went into this cr@p. It seems that nothing can stop Bahorel, that big p*nised b*tch drinker.

grand theft auto: how high are you?

jehaunted house: I'm not h*gh at all, because drugs are for dw**bs.

legless: can't tell if he's batshit crazy or just trolling all of us real hard.

family feud: RIP Peter Grantaire 1988-2017

entourage: Feuilly, how come you memorized everyone's birth year?

family feud: I just have a good memory.  
RIP Jean Valjean 1954-????  
RIP Xavier Javert 1965-????  
RIP Damien Bahorel 1988-????  
RIP Clement d'Courfeyrac 1992-????  
RIP Éponine Thénardier 2000-????  
RIP Gavroche Thénardier 2005-????

july: Wow, there is such a diverse group of people in this chat. With the oldest born in 1988 and the youngest in 2005.

cosine: I just noticed something. If I'm 5 years younger than Marius, and if Gavroche is 5 years younger than me, then hypothetically I could date Gavroche because we're 5 years apart just like me and Marius.

mario pothead: What has gotten into you, Cosette?

cosine: Calm down, I said _hypothetically_.

gavroach: Now onto the final round. Our top 3 competitors (Éponine, Courfeyrac, and Bahorel) will go head to head, but only one will emerge victorious.

comb a ferret: Too bad the number of people voting is 12, which is divisible by 3.

jehaunted house: Don't ruin Gavroche's moment, you p************ussy @$$ b@st@rd.

**gavroach created a poll: Éponine vs Courfeyrac vs Bahorel**

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll: Éponine vs Courfeyrac vs Bahorel**

Éponine: 4 votes  
Courfeyrac: 4 votes  
Bahorel: 4 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

gavroach: Come on, guys. Don't leave me hanging like that.

gavroach: I never thought I'd do this, but I'm gonna have to step in.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________  
**Poll updated: Éponine vs Courfeyrac vs Bahorel**

Éponine: 5 votes  
Courfeyrac: 4 votes  
Bahorel: 4 votes  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

epilogue: Wow, I won (even though it was kinds biased in my favor). That was a rather unique group chat discussion.

coury in the house: We have to do this again some time, except next time we should be stoned to the bone.

grand theft auto: What's next? Marius fighting DMX with dwarfism?

mario pothead: Just kill me.

entourage: ditto.


	2. 1977

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group has trouble coming up with nicknames for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gavroche = gavel  
> Feuilly = fuseball  
> Marius = darius  
> Joly = joe lee  
> Cosette = cochise  
> Éponine = epsilon  
> Jehan = jihad  
> Courfeyrac = cory's rack  
> Combeferre = confederate  
> Bahorel = grizzly bahorel  
> Grantaire = granite  
> Enjolras = entr'acte  
> Bossuet = bo$$ baby  
> Musichetta = music cheddar

**Group chat: the barricade barracudas**

confederate: Library and chill, anyone?

gavel: Sorry, I'm in middle school.

granite: Sorry, I'm busy with something else right now. Like, literally anything else.

jihad: Oh Combeferre, you're my favorite n*rd. But I'm an English major, so I don't have a lot of homework. Just reading, lol.

entr'acte: I can meet you in the library in 30 minutes. I have a term paper that's due in a week.

music cheddar: This is a little off-topic, but I wish we had better nicknames in this group chat.

darius: Whomstd the fuck came up with these nicknames?

cory's rack: I came up with most of them :(

cochise: What is Bossuet's nickname supposed to be?

bo$$ baby: It's a reference to the movie Boss Baby. It's like a meme now.

grizzly Bahorel: And what's Éponine's?

epsilon: It's the Greek letter E.

joe lee: A lot of the nicknames are obscure, but they're good puns.

jihad: Most of the nicknames are kinda d*mb, imo.

entr'acte: And offensive. Especially "confederate" and "jihad".

**Grantaire changed Enjolras' nickname to Enjolras Hitler Bin Laden Seacrest**

Enjolras Hitler Bin Laden Seacrest: you jackass.

Enjolras Hitler Bin Laden Seacrest: How the hell do I change my nickname? I can't find the nickname editor anywhere.

confederate: Are you on the facebook website?

Enjolras Hitler Bin Laden Seacrest: yes

confederate: You can't change nicknames on there. You have to get the facebook messenger app.

Enjolras Hitler Bin Laden Seacrest: Damn it. Fucking capitalism.

fuseball: Dude, the app is free.

music cheddar: Alright I get why you put Hitler and Bin Laden in Enjolras' nickname, but why Ryan Seacrest?

granite: because he's annoying and evil

joe lee: That seems legit.

darius: And whomstdsoever came up with Cosette's nickname? That name just sounds random and made up.

cochise: I came up with my own nickname.

darius: never mind

cochise: Cochise was actually a Native American leader of the Chihuicahui local group of the Chokonen and principal chief of the Chokonen band of the Chiricahua Apache.

music cheddar: Speaking of influential Native Americans...

**Musichetta changed Cosette's nickname to Pocahontas**

Pocahontas: Awesome. Pocahontas is one of my favorite Disney princesses. I was doing karaoke the other night, and someone said that I sound like Judy Kuhn.

fuseball: I don't see it.

granite: Oh, so now we can be meta? Sweet.

granite: Ever notice that Thénardier is the only one with a French accent in the 2012 Les Misérables movie?

grizzly Bahorel: I don't have any idea what you're talking about.

granite: Ah, forget it.

cory's rack: I'm at the McDonald's across the street from the skate park. Anyone want to come hang out?

granite: Sure, I'll be there in a few minutes.

darius: I'd go, but I kinda have a personal grudge against Ronald McDonald.

confederate: Is that because you lost to him in the fighting bracket?

darius: That and the fact that he killed my favorite youtuber.  
<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wj4QWCOrlho>

bo$$ baby: Howtobasic?

joe lee: HOLY SHIT DON'T CLICK ON THAT LINK UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE REALLY DISTURBED

Enjolras Hitler Bin Laden Seacrest: I don't have any idea how this could be entertaining to anyone. He's literally just throwing eggs everywhere and setting things on fire.

darius: The broken eggs represent fragility, while the destruction/fire represents his rebellious side. He has the rage of a serial arsonist combined with the vulnerability of a bullied school child. Or what if I'm totally wrong about this? What if Howtobasic is a girl?

gavel: How high are you?

darius: Yes

**Jehan changed Marius's nickname to bird that whistles**

**Jehan changed Éponine's nickname to bird that sings**

**Jehan changed Cosette's nickname to bird that won't do nothing**

bird that sings: What is this a reference to?

bird that whistles: idk man

bird that won't do nothing: This sounds vaguely familiar to me. I'm gonna hate myself for not remembering this.

jihad: It's from "You Shook Me" by Led Zeppelin.

bird that won't do nothing: shiiieeet.

cory's rack: Speaking of music, I have an idea :)

**Courfeyrac changed Bahorel's nickname to Jimi Hendrix**

**Courfeyrac changed his own nickname to Scott Weiland**

**Courfeyrac changed Jehan's nickname to Jim Morrison**

Jim Morrison: H*ll yeah, I love this nickname. Big fan of The Doors.

Scott Weiland: I knew you'd like it.

**Courfeyrac changed Joly's nickname to Kurt Cobain**

Enjolras Hitler Bin Laden Seacrest: Is this some type of messed up 27 club joke?

Scott Weiland: No. It's because just like Nirvana, no one can understand what he's saying half the time, but we love him anyway.

Kurt Cobain: Fair enough.

Jimi Hendrix: Joly should have subtitles or something like that.

Kurt Cobain: Yeah, and if I get subtitled, it can have one of those cool bouncy balls!

**Courfeyrac changed Enjolras's nickname to Layne Staley**

Layne Staley: Frankly, anything is better than Hitler Bin Laden.

**Courfeyrac changed Cosette's nickname to Janis Joplin**

**Courfeyrac changed Grantaire's nickname to Eddie Vedder**

**Courfeyrac changed Éponine's nickname to Joan Jett**

**Courfeyrac changed Combeferre's nickname to David Byrne**

Eddie Vedder: I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks Combeferre reminds me of David Byrne.

David Byrne: Is it the glasses of the acid trip music videos?

**Courfeyrac changed Marius's nickname to Axl Rose**

**Courfeyrac changed Gavroche's nickname to Gerard Way**

Gerard Way: I am not getting these references.

Axl Rose: You'll understand them in time, old sport.

Eddie Vedder: Who even says that anymore?

**Courfeyrac changed Bossuet's name to David Draiman**

David Draiman: And I'm the bald one, as always.

**Courfeyrac changed Feuilly's nickname to Nikki Sixx**

**Courfeyrac changed Musichetta's nickname to Lorde**

Joan Jett: Wow, Musichetta really does look like Lorde.

Nikki Sixx: This makes me want to create a rock playlist.

Lorde: Yeah, this brings me back to the 90's.

**Jehan changed Enjolras's nickname to Beavis**

**Jehan changed Grantaire's nickname to B*tthead**

B*tthead: Seriously, Jehan?

Jim Morrison: Just rollin' with the 90's theme.

**Grantaire changed his own nickname to Butthead**

Butthead: These are good nicknames for us, Enjy.

Beavis: No way, Butthead.

David Byrne: Yes way, assface.

**Jehan changed Combeferre's nickname to Daria Morgendorffer**

Daria Morgendorffer: So, does anyone still want to go to the library? It'll be groovy.

David Draiman: It's Friday.

**Courfeyrac changed Combeferre's nickname to Austin Powers**

Butthead: Holy shit, Courf. Your ADHD is worse than mine.

**Courfeyrac changed Bossuet's nickname to Dr. Evil**

**Courfeyrac changed Joly's nickname to Mini me**

Austin Powers: I'm starting to notice the recurring trend that my nicknames are just random people with glasses.

**Éponine changed Combeferre's nickname to random person with glasses**

Dr. Evil: Wow, Dr. Evil and mini me. That's a great Halloween costume idea, Jols.

Mini me: Yeah, I can wear a swimming cap or something.

Nikki Sixx: Bossuet as Dr. Evil = yes.  
Joly as mini me = no.

Dr. Evil: Why is that?

Jim Morrison: Joly is a m*dget, but not bald.

random person with glasses: 1. You're the same height as Joly, Jehan.  
2\. Technically you have to be 4'10" and under to be legally a midget.  
3\. You must really hate vowels, do you?

Scott Weiland: Ok guys, I have finally found a nickname system that will unify us all!

**Courfeyrac changed his own nickname to Courfeylo Ren**

Janis Joplin: omg

**Courfeyrac changed Jehan's nickname to Jehan Solo**

Janis Joplin: Is this what I think it is?

**Courfeyrac changed Gavroche's nickname to Gavrissian**

**Courfeyrac changed Joly's nickname to Jolie-PO**

Janis Joplin: Star Wars themed nicknames!

**Courfeyrac changed Cosette's nickname to Count Dookosette**

Count Dookosette: You rock, Courf!

**Courfeyrac changed Éponine's nickname to Emperor Thénardier**

**Courfeyrac changed Combeferre's nickname to Ana-Comb Skywalker**

**Courfeyrac changed Bahorel's nickname to Bahorel Grievous**

Bahorel Grievous: That isn't even a pun.

Courfeylo Ren: Sorry, I tried.

**Courfeyrac changed Grantaire's nickname to Obi Gran Kenobi**

**Courfeyrac changed Enjolras's nickname to Princess Enjoleia**

**Courfeyrac changed Bossuet's nickname to Bossu-fett**

**Courfeyrac changed Musichetta's nickname to Bobachetta**

**Courfeyrac changed Marius's nickname to Mar Mar Binks**

Mar Mar Binks: You did me dirty, Courf. Everyone knows that Jar Jar Binks the most annoying character.

Princess Enjoleia: It kinda fits you though.

**Courfeyrac changed Feuilly's nickname to Feubacca**

Feubacca: Now that's just cold.

Mar Mar Binks: So now we're both getting the shaft, I see.

Courfeylo Ren: Fine, I'll make someone else's nickname worse than yours if you stop complaining.

Jolie-PO: But that's all of us.

Courfeylo Ren: Not quite.

**Courfeyrac added Xavier Javert to the chat**

**Courfeyrac changed Javert's name to Javert the Hutt**

Javert the Hutt: What is the meaning of this?

Courfeylo Ren: Are you happy now, Marius and Feuilly?

Feubacca: This is golden.

Mar Mar Binks: I am so screenshotting this.

Javert the Hutt: Damn, how many people are messaging me?

Gavrissian: Wait, you're facebook friends with Javert, Courf?

Courfeylo Ren: Yup. I'm friends with Cosette, who is friends with Javert.

Ana-Comb Skywalker: I think Courf has the most facebook friends out of all of us.

Courfeylo Ren: I have an idea. Everyone send Javert a friend request!

Obi Gran Kenobi: Hell yeah. I'll do that just to fuck with him.

Bossu-fett: Be my friend, Javvie!

Javert the Hutt: What kind of drugs were your parents on when they named you guys?

Bahorel Grievous: LSD

Javert the Hutt: I just got 10 friend requests.

Emperor Thénardier: That's because everyone loves you.

Javert the Hutt: how to block people on facebook

Javert the Hutt: Sorry, I meant to google that.

Ana-Comb Skywalker: Then open a new tab or window.

Javert the Hutt: You bunch of hooligans with peculiar names are creepy as hell. I'm done with your tomfoolery.

**Xavier Javert left the group**

Jehan Solo: Wow, Javert is an old f@rt.

Feubacca: Given his age, he should be more familiar with Star Wars than the rest of us, considering the first movie came out during his childhood.

Count Dookosette: Fun fact: Star Wars came out the same year as the last guillotine execution in France (1977).

Princess Enjoleia: When you think Cosette's gonna tell a joke, but it's actually a sobering fact about capital punishment in the 20th century.

Count Dookosette: Some people from previous generations are cool, though. Observe.

**Cosette added Jean Valjean to the chat**

**Cosette changed Jean Valjean's name to Jean Vaderjean**

Count Dookosette: Do you know what's going on, dad?

Jean Vaderjean: I've been added to a group chat where the nicknames are Star Wars characters. I'm supposed to be Darth Vader, I assume?

Count Dookosette: Yup, that's exactly right. We previously added Javert to the chat, but he got confused and left. Apparently "Javert the Hutt" thought that the Star Wars nicknames were our actual names.

Jean Vaderjean: Typical Javert.

Count Dookosette: I have an idea. Everyone send my dad a friend request!

Jean Vaderjean: It's always nice to make new friends.

Jolie-PO: So Musichetta and Bossuet are both Bobafett and I'm C-3PO? #outoftheloop

**Joly changed his own nickname to Jolafett**

Gavrissian: Nah, that doesn't really have a ring to it.

Jolafett: Ok

**Joly changed Bossuet's nickname to Bossi-PO**

**Joly changed his own nickname to Jolie-PO**

**Joly changed Musichetta's nickname to Musi-3P-chetta**

Musi-3P-chetta: Nope.

Bossi-PO: This just isn't as clever as our original nicknames.

Jolie-PO: :'(

**Joly changed Musichetta's nickname to Bobachetta**

**Joly changed Bossuet's nickname to Bossu-fett**

Obi Gran Kenobi: For you, Joly. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTVjKgSljlA>

Bahorel Grievous: Holy shit Grantaire I almost forgot your first name was Peter.

Mar Mar Binks: Hey Beter

Obi Gran Kenobi: Yes Barius from Les Misérables

Mar Mar Binks: Spell whomstve *pulls out gun*

Obi Gran Kenobi: Holy crap  
Follow for a free iPhone 5

Princess Enjoleia: Damn it, Grantaire. Stop breaking the fourth wall!

Obi Gran Kenobi: But aren't you breaking the fourth wall by mentioning that I'm breaking the fourth wall?

Princess Enjoleia: You're way too clever, R.

Emperor Thénardier: Wait, what if the government is watching us through an infinite series of fourth walls?

Feubacca: #illuminaticonfirmed

Obi Gran Kenobi: I know a lot of stuff is going on politically, but I think fried ice cream is a conspiracy. How the fuck does the ice cream stay frozen if it's fried? I'm pretty sure the human race's reptilian overlords are behind this.

Princess Enjoleia: You see, this is why I stay away from social media for the most part. That and the fact that I constantly get trolled by alt right members online.

Courfeylo Ren: Everyone's got opinions, and some choose to express them online. But you ain't gotta worry about that cause their assholes

Ana-Comb Skywalker: *they're

Jehan Solo: "Their" and "they're" have very different meanings, especially in this context.

Feubacca: If you're an English major that's an expert at grammar, then maybe you should stop writing words using numbers and text symbols.

Jehan Solo: Those fucking cunt shit dumbass piss fuck meatball dick cock motherfuckers! Are you happy now?!

Bossu-fett: Wow, Jehan. That's the most R-rated thing you've said. Proud of you.

Emperor Thénardier: Speaking of rated R, does anyone want to see Girls Trip tomorrow?

Count Dookosette: I would, but I don't turn 17 until August, and I always get carded.

Jolie-PO: The struggle is real.

Mar Mar Binks: I know a guy that works at the movies named Montparnasse. I can totally sneak you into a rated R movie. Just don't let your father know about our "date". *wink, wink*

Jean Vaderjean: You know I'm still in the chat, right? Y'all are some weird motherfuckers.

Courfeylo Ren: You saw nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meme references:
> 
> [Boss Baby](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/subcultures/the-boss-baby)
> 
> [Whomst](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/whomst)
> 
>  
> 
> [Hey Beter](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/hey-beter)


End file.
